No sex please, we’re menopausal!

In this blog, Elaine Miller, a physiotherapist who also does a stand-up comedy show about pelvic floors, tackles sex and the menopause.

I have a faded post-it note on my office wall that says “what most people need is a really good listening to”. It’s sound advice for life, but, particularly useful whenever a patient brings up a sexual function issue in clinic.

Menopausal women often experience changes in how they think about their bodies and sexuality. Many have sad feelings about the loss of fertility and the body of their youth. Of course, some women relish not fearing unwanted pregnancy and finally feeling comfortable in their own skin.

Elaine Miller
Elaine Miller, tackling the taboo with humour and reliable information.

Sexuality is not just about having sex, and sex is about more than penetration. A lack of intimacy, in whatever form, negatively impacts our wellbeing and so it’s important that people have opportunities to seek information or help for these issues.   Often there is a Catch 22 where health professionals are hesitant to discuss sexual health with older patients, whilst the person is reluctant to broach these topics for fear of embarrassing their caregiver.

People usually learn about sex in a haphazard way and, if they have a long-term partner, will, hopefully, settle into a satisfying conjugal habit. Menopause can disrupt those habits and make it difficult to enjoy sex – which can have a profound impact on a person’s quality of life and relationship.  The misconception that sex is the domain of the young can be a barrier for older people seeking help in managing troubling symptoms, and the near total absence of any reference to later-life sexuality in the media means there is little for people to compare their own experiences and expectations with.

Let’s have a look at the way that menopausal symptoms interfere with having a satisfying sex life.

Hormone changes

Ovaries and adrenal glands produce small amounts of testosterone which may be linked to libido in women, though this role is unclear. Of course, some women find losing the fear of unwanted pregnancy is liberating and that can have a positive effect on her sex drive.

The effect of menopausal uro-genital changes on sexual function are well known:

Vaginal atrophy

Vaginal dryness and a changing sexual response are linked to the loss of oestrogen. The vaginal tissue thins, becomes less elastic and more prone to injury. A reduction in the blood supply to the tissues of the vagina affects lubrication and so penetration can be uncomfortable at best, impossible at worst. It can also affect sensitivity to touch, which can make it more difficult to become aroused. Vaginal atrophy affects about half of postmenopausal women, but only about 20% report symptoms. It presents as:

  • vaginal dryness
  • painful penetration
  • spotting of blood after intercourse
  • discharge
  • vulval itch
  • vulval swelling
  • vaginitis

Good hygiene is important – wipe from front to back, use water to wash and avoid perfumes, douches and scrubbing. Menopausal bits should not be treated as if you are trying to scrub grass stains out, not even if your genitals happen to be covered in grass stains.


Lubrication is a friend to the peri- and post-menopausal – it doesn’t have to be sticky or medical looking and can be bought online or over the counter. Most can also be used for massage, which makes it easier to get a dollop where you need it to be. “Yes!” is now available on prescription in water or oil form. Oil based lubes are longer lasting, but, be careful as they are not condom friendly and sexually transmitted infections (STIs) are dramatically on the increase in the over 50s.

Coconut oil is a good alternative for those who prefer a natural lubricant, or who have run out and don’t have time to nip to the chemist but do have just enough to sprint to the kitchen cupboard.

Urinary symptoms

Urinary frequency (more than eight times a day or more than once at night), urinary incontinence or recurrent urinary tract infections are associated with urethral thinning, vaginal atrophy and pH changes. Oestrogen loss also has an effect on collagen strength which can affect the pelvic floor muscles.


Fifty percent of women over fifty years old have some degree of vaginal prolapse, the symptoms of which (pelvic pain, pain on penetration, urinary and bowel symptoms) can also interfere with a sexual relationship. Pelvic floor exercises can be an effective tool in managing the symptoms of prolapse, but that’s a blog post in its own right. [Editors’ note: Physiotherapist Myra Robson has written a blog here – Pessaries for pelvic organ prolapse – looking at the Cochrane evidence, in which she also discusses pelvic floor exercises.]

Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT or HT)

HRT can help the symptoms of menopause and can be taken either orally, applied to the skin or inserted directly as a pessary,  and will be prescribed by your GP.   There are benefits and risks associated with HRT, which need to be weighed up, and a wide variety of different methods of application. So far this week we’ve had two blogs featuring Cochrane evidence about HRT. Now here’s some more:


How effective and safe is tibolone for postmenopausal women?

Cochrane evidence: A Cochrane review found limited evidence that Tibolone, a synthetic hormone drug, at a daily dose of 2.5mg, may be less effective than combination hormone therapy in alleviating symptoms, though it does reduce vaginal bleeding. There are long-term concerns about breast cancer risk in women who have a history of breast cancer, and of stroke in women whose mean age is over 60. There are similar risks with combination therapies, but, their benefit-risk profile is better known.

Click here to see the Cochrane evidence.


Can HRT help treat urinary incontinence in postmenopausal women?

Cochrane evidence: A Cochrane review included 34 trials with 20,000 women.The findings were that HRT vaginal pessaries are helpful in managing urinary frequency and urgency, but we don’t know whether the effects last after treatment stops. Systemic oral equine HRT may make urinary symptoms worse. Pelvic Floor Muscle Training, doing your kegels, was found in a small study to be as helpful as using vaginal pessaries.

Click here to see the Cochrane evidence.

The role of testosterone

Of course, whilst dryness and discomfort can be sorted out with HRT, pessaries, lubrication and persistence, you may find that your libido is still lagging behind.

There are studies that show that adding androgens to HRT can have a positive effect on sexual functioning in post-menopausal women (see the links below), but all studies report difficulties in measuring female sexual response as arousal measured in a laboratory does not always correlate with what women report.

 Sexual health is complicated!

The word most commonly found in the literature describing women’s sexual function and health is “complex”.

Sometimes, a sexual “dysfunction” is a reasonable, rational response to relationship complexities, changing self image and medical worries, as well as cultural and faith standards. Add to that the obstacles of stress and lack of privacy from boomerang kids, caring for ageing parents or young grandchildren – and, perhaps we should be wondering how menopausal women manage to have any sex at all?

Measuring female sexual function is difficult – the literature is full of papers debating how to define it.   An orgasm does not necessarily mean the woman found her sexual encounter to be satisfying any more than a lack of one means it was not.

Cuddling and hot flushes do not make good bed partners. Sweat is rarely sexy, not even if it is Brad Pitt having a night sweat all over your Egyptian cotton sheets. Sleep disturbance means there’s less energy for sex. Medication for other medical issues may affect libido (there are many, particularly anti-depressants and high blood pressure medication; a change of prescription might help), as can worry about other medical issues.

Taking regular exercise, having a good diet, managing stress and making time for each other is important. As is investing in separate duvets.

The importance of communication

Communicating with your GP or HCP is vital, though broaching sexual function issues can be difficult. (Contrary to popular belief, no one likes talking about sex in Holland either, as this study of sexual health care needs found.) The Sexual Advice Association (SDA) has some very good factsheets about how to ask for help with sexual matters, and for professionals about how to take a sexual history, here.

Communication with partners is vital
Communication with partners is vital

It is important that awareness of sexual problems are included in professionals’ Continuing Professional Development programmes, which include exploring and challenging assumptions and beliefs about sexual behaviours, and provide information about where to refer people to if they need help that falls out with practitioners’ scope of practice.

Communicating with partners is vital. The best indicator for having a satisfying sex life post-menopause is having a satisfying sex life pre-menopause and communication goes a long way in managing the changes that this life stage will bring to your relationship.

If you feel embarrassed about talking about problems with your sexual function with your GP or partner then try writing down bullet points. I’d recommend using a post-it-note with the first one saying that what you really need is a good listening to.

You can follow Elaine on Twitter @GussieGrips, where you can not only join in the conversation but also get her regular reminders to do your pelvic floor exercises! You might also like to read her blog for Evidently Cochrane on pelvic floor exercises and incontinence here.


Formoso  G, Perrone  E, Maltoni  S, Balduzzi  S, Wilkinson  J, Basevi  V, Marata  AM, Magrini  N, D’Amico  R, Bassi  C, Maestri  E. Short‐term and long‐term effects of tibolone in postmenopausal women. Cochrane Database of Systematic Reviews 2016, Issue 10. Art. No.: CD008536. DOI: 10.1002/14651858.CD008536.pub3.

Cody JD, Jacobs ML, Richardson K, Moehrer B, Hextall A. Oestrogen therapy for urinary incontinence in post-menopausal women. Cochrane Database of Systematic Reviews 2012, Issue 10. Art. No.: CD001405. DOI: 10.1002/14651858.CD001405.pub3.

Bolour S, Braunstein G. Testosterone therapy in women: a review. International Journal of Impotence Research 2005;17(5):399-408. Available from:

Davison SL, Davis SR. Androgenic hormones and aging – the link with female sexual function. Hormones and Behavior 2011;59(5):745-53.

Traa MJ, De Vries J, Roukema JA, Rutten HJ, Den Oudsten BL. The sexual health care needs after colorectal cancer: the view of patients, partners, and health care professionals. Support Care Cancer 2014;22(3):763-72. Available from:

Page last updated 14 May 2019

No sex please, we’re menopausal! by Elaine Miller

is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivatives 4.0 International

4 Comments on this post

  1. Hi Ellen, I do agree, but, I didn’t mean that lubrication was specifically for penetration – I think we should be giving our young women a mirror, a diagram and a bottle of lube for figuring out their own anatomy and sexual sensations. Slippery just feels better for many women, whether with a partner or not. Thanks, E

    Elaine Miller / Reply
  2. Thanks for making sex in menopause a talking point. It makes me sad though that the word lubrication is used for a substance coming from a bottle whereas the term was designed to refer to what postmenopausal women are still perfectly able to do (despite the loss of estrogens and provided that their testosterone levels are still within the normal range – which they are in most postmeno women) is to respond with sexual arousal, clitoral engorgement, and vaginal lubrication to adequate sexual stimulation. More and more direct clitoral stimulation may be needed as we age, but sexual response is still possible. I can send refs if needed. The remark about lubrication (from a bottle) being a postmeno woman’s best friend also sends the message that vaginal penetration is still the main course, not pleasure, excitement, connection, mutuality, curiosity. As far as I’m concerned, sex is an experience, not a specific act. Kind regards, Ellen Laan, Professor of Sexology, University of Amsterdam.

    Ellen Laan / Reply
  3. That’s a good article and I guess could be summed up in 3 words communication, communication, communication.
    People need to communicate more with their partners, healthcare professionals need to communicate with their patients and patients need to communicate with healthcare professionals.
    Good read.

    MedicalModels / Reply

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